2004-01-25 - 6:21 p.m.

Me and Mrs. Jones, Part the Fourth...

...wherein U.R. Forwunyne, freshly returned from prayer, discusses his unusual breakfast habits, discloses an unfortunate ailment, and makes certain inquiries regarding the transaction. Time to have some fun with this fish. The message was sent to Mrs. Jones shortly after noon on Sunday January 25th. The telephone number is a payphone on the second floor of a courthouse that will not accept incoming telephone calls. This business of making people up is fun, I can see why the fraudsters do it - Forwunyne now has a neighbour and his nurse has a name. Look for Veronica to play the role of force majeure in future episodes.

My dear Mrs. Jones:

How delighted I was to receive your swift reply to my correspondence! I have taken your wise and generous advice and immediately upon receipt of your lovely missive, I did indeed turn my thoughts at once to prayer. I have been praying all day for guidance as to how to proceed with this matter. I don�t think you can possibly grasp the full meaning of my words when I say that I too believe that it will take much hard work and prayer, and probably a lot more than even that to make this particular dream a reality. Are you sure that our business is perfectly legal? I do not wish to become involved in any shady dealings or to get in trouble with the international authorities.

I must say that I am very sorry to hear of the untimely passing of your dear husband, the late Dr. Harry Jones and of your own health problems. I am saddened to learn that your own health is deteriorating. I hope that you will be well; it is obvious that you are a woman of great strength and faith to be able to conduct your affairs in your time of great struggle. I know how difficult it can be to attempt to remain focussed with lots of illusory meddling relatives hanging about, and I wish you the strength and health that you deserve.

I conducted my prayers over breakfast this morning, as is the custom of my family, and I am happy to report that my quiet contemplation and the delicious cheese omelette I consumed have given me much of the guidance and energy I sought, though unfortunately much remains as yet unclear to me.

Before we get to my concerns, though, let me put your troubled mind to rest, my dear woman, in respect of one issue that you raised: you need not worry that I am labouring under any illusion that our business together is anything in the nature of a money-making exercise for me. I wish nothing for myself, as my meagre needs are well provided for, thanks to the grace of God. I am preparing to conduct whatever this kingdom-expanding business may be, though I should tell you that it can be difficult to obtain drywall on short notice in my locality.

As I say, I am very excited to proceed with this charitable business because (although you may find this difficult to believe) it is not very often that I am offered an opportunity to assist in administering an 8.6 million US dollar estate. This may be as a result of my own health problems. Although my own difficulties are trifling in nature compared to yours, I should tell you that I have recently contracted an unusual gastro-intestinal disorder that results in chronic spasms of sudden, persistent and severe flatulence (I am sorry to be so crude, Mrs. Jones, but I am afraid that there is no polite way to tell you of this condition). Aside from the obvious personal embarrassment, my medical condition makes it unpleasant at times for others to sit in a room with me; as a result, I do not often get invited to participate in activities such as charitable work that involve lots of meetings or committees. Bus trips are right out of the question.

You asked for my bio-data. My name is Ulysses R. Forwunyne, but most people just call me �U.R.� and I am a retired gentleman goal judge. Upon completion of my life�s work with the National Hockey League, I moved to my beachfront cabana on my property in Iqaluit, Nunavut. Some time ago, when my health began to fail (and in view of the fact that my eyesight had never been very good at all), my family convinced me to sell and move from that property to a small rest igloo outside of Iqaluit where I can be cared for, and that is where I now live.

As I said, my prayers and the omelette have made much clear to me, Mrs. Jones, but I remain confused by some things too. Let me ask you these questions, as perhaps the answers are already known to you or will come to you in your own prayers.

(1) About talking on the telephone � are you sure this is a good idea? I know it would make our imaginary business easier to conduct, but you mentioned in your first letter that you did not want telephone communication to avoid alerting your husband�s relatives. I do not have a telephone in my own igloo, but there is a telephone in the dayroom where some of the residents gather to play pinochle and quarters. Occasionally, there is music and some adult beverages are available there too, so the telephone could be answered by anyone. I think we should use a password so we can be sure that we are indeed talking to one another when using this telephone, and I suggest that our password should be �pishtosh�. The number for this telephone is +9 05 522 04 93.

(2) Are you sure you can you trust the nursing assistant in Shuaiba? Please beware, Mrs. Jones. I do not wish to be impudent in suggesting this, but the more I have thought about this business, the more I think you were right when you wrote that there are many people who are up to no good and it is even possible that you might be deceived.

(3) Do you think that we have enough time to proceed with this business? Seven days seems like a terribly short time frame to whip together an international financial transaction of this nature, especially because it can be difficult to move even fictional large sums over international borders. Why must the transaction be completed in seven days? Actually, it�s more like six days now, isn�t it, because I have devoted this day to prayer. Perhaps I can assist you in finding some way around this problem if we both think about it; after all, two heads are better than one, right?

(4) You mentioned in your first letter that the funds are in Amsterderm, Holland. I did a little research on the Internet (I figured it would be fruitful to seek information a little more directly than through prayer in this case) but I could not find such a place. I even mentioned this place to my neighbour (who happens to be a Dutchman) Mr. Hans Aufmydoe, and he was not familiar with any Amsterderm. How far is it from Amsterdam? I think I must know this in case I need to travel there to conduct our business.

(5) Speaking of the Holland part of this business, I am a little concerned about the Dutch fellows you mentioned. Are you sure that they are trustworthy, even the lawyer? What firm does he practice with? Mr. Aufmydoe has a brother who used to be a judge in Holland, perhaps he will be familiar with this gentleman or his employers and I can ask him about their character.

I would like to write more, as I already have some very exciting preliminary ideas for the use to which your husband�s wealth could be put, but I am tired and my nurse Veronica will soon be stopping in to check on me and I do not wish her to see me typing this email to you � she can be very nosy about such matters at times.

One more little thing, Mrs. Jones, speaking of Veronica. I would politely request that you do not address your emails to me by calling me your Beloved, as Veronica may take this the wrong way if she happens to see them, and that could make things go poorly for me on this end.

I look forward, my fantastic friend, more eagerly than you can imagine to your reply. Please may it contain a picture? I took a picture last night of the amazing aurora borealis and I think it might be a sign that our business together is blessed. I will send it to you when I figure out how to use the blasted attachments.

Best regards,

Mr. U.R. Forwunyne

U.R. Forwunyne, beachcomber of Iqaluit

previous - next