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Of Meat Helmets.

  • Jan. 30, 2005
  • 4:04 p.m.

A job and a lotto win

  • Jan. 27, 2005
  • 12:50 a.m.

Really, send me some freakin' documents...

  • Jan. 24, 2005
  • 9:34 p.m.

Enter Dr. Innocent

  • Jan. 23, 2005
  • 9:26 p.m.

Time Passages, pt. II

  • Jan. 19, 2005
  • 11:48 p.m.

Jul. 15, 2004 - 12:02 a.m.

Me and Mrs. Jones, Part the Eighth...

...wherein U.R. laments a certain lack of detail in the previous response, hints at a growing rift between Mrs. J, himself and Veronica, and elevates a righteous Stranglers tune to the level of prayer.

Mrs. Brown:

The contents of your message are received and well noted.

I am a little taken aback, however. I know I asked you once not to call me "your beloved" (owing to the problems that may cause with Veronica) but please don't just call me "Forwunyne". I am your own brave Ulysses, but you can call me "U.R." as do all my friends. We are still friends, aren't we, Mrs. Jones?

What do you mean that there is "need to delay this transaction"?

I know you are angry with me for my failures, but can you not please tell me what has happened to you in the intervening months? Please, Mrs. Jones, Veronica is most insistent about this. I must know how you have come to be called "Mrs. Kazeem" and where you are. Are you safe from your meddling relatives? Have you escaped the clutches of your nurse? How is your stroke sickness? Where is the money? I need to know all of these things so we can plan together our next steps, if you still remain willing to work with me, praise be to God.

I suspect that you have had to move out of your previous location quickly, what with the modalities of your previous situation and all, and I suppose that would explain how you have lost my contact information. Please call me at once on 206-339-3833; use the same calling code as the United States from your country. As I explained before, the telephone service here in this remote northern area is provided via satellite by Exxon Corporation of the U.S. as a result of a lawsuit settlement because of the time they spilled Wesson oil all over the beach-front after a shipwreck some years ago where the cargo of halibut and chips washed up all across the seashore. Captain Highliner is still facing charges on that one, and Florence Henderson was mortified, and let me tell you, there's no "Wessonality" in Iqaluit anymore, as a result of all the dead seals and high cholesterol narwhals.

I re-send my direct contact information, you will remember that I live at the Ralph Methuselah Home for the Spectacularly Aged, Box 500 Iqaluit, NU Canada X0A 0H0. But remember, Mrs. Jones, this is a rest igloo and the staff here reads my mail, I'm sure of it - I know you were very worried about the confidentiality and secrecy of our business at one time. If this remains a concern, don't send anything through the post. Aside from the staff, my mail is collected by Veronica, and though I love her dearly (she provides for me so well, especially the sponge baths) she is a nosy little so-and-so, and I am sure she is in to every piece of mail I get. I think she swiped my Victoria's Secret catalogue last December, to tell you the truth!

Also, Mrs. Jones, I apologize in advance, but my only true companion Veronica whispers in my ear so much about these things, and I have doubts despite my trust in your faith in blessed God. Tell me that you did not know the criminal bad men who took advantage of me in Amsterdam! Tell me that your lawyer friend was not involved in this madness! I do not believe it, but Veronica says it is so. I don't want to believe it.

Are you still willing to work with me to invest your husband's money according to our plan?

When can the documents be ready?

Mrs. Jones, may I be so bold as to recommend a prayer to you? I know you are a woman of God. In my locality, my Church is the Church of the Holy Mackeral. In my Church, we often say the following prayer, let me commend it to you so that our business may succeed in the glory of God:

We say (actually, we sing it, but you can just say it, I am guessing you won't know the tune):

"Everybody has some secret wishes

Just keep your fingers crossed, maybe they'll all come true

But don't worry if they just remain a fantasy

Life shows no mercy"

Don't you think that is beautiful, Mrs. Jones? Please write me back urgently, and tell me you have said our prayer. Better yet, write it in your message to let me know you have understood it and believe in the power of the Church of the Holy Mackeral.

Your Protector and Partner,

U.R. Forwunyne

U.R. Forwunyne: Will it be as tough tomorrow, have to wait and see, life shows no mercy!

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