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Of Meat Helmets.

  • Jan. 30, 2005
  • 4:04 p.m.

A job and a lotto win

  • Jan. 27, 2005
  • 12:50 a.m.

Really, send me some freakin' documents...

  • Jan. 24, 2005
  • 9:34 p.m.

Enter Dr. Innocent

  • Jan. 23, 2005
  • 9:26 p.m.

Time Passages, pt. II

  • Jan. 19, 2005
  • 11:48 p.m.

Jan. 30, 2005 - 4:04 p.m.

Me and Mrs. Jones, Part the


...wherein Dr. Innocent might as well be holding up a large sign that says "Please slap me. Hard."

First things first: Shout outs to my peeps in California! It is official, "Me and Mrs. Jones" is now a certified, bona fide, can't be denied phenomenon sweeping that corner of the Left Coast ruled by King Arnold the Unintelligible. Thanks are due to all readers, but especially those who leave flattering notes and comments for the walker of the war.

Okay, enough shameless glad-handing and arse-kissing. To resume our second thread of narrative (click on the WTF? button to the left to get filled in with all the latest shizzit yo)...ready? Good. Let us proceed. Having heard nothing from the good Doctor in a few days, U.R. decides to ramp up the pressure just a tad. Time for a tentative slap:

Dr. Innocent:

I am concerned because I have not received a call from you this week as you promised. You also haven't sent me the documents I asked for.
Are you serious about our business? If not, please let me know, because I am a very busy man, especially with the Festival of the Narwhal going on.

I look forward to hearing from you at once.


U.R. Forwunyne

Evidently, Googling "narwhal apricots" fried the good Doctor's computer into a state of e-catatonia (hmmm, that gives me an idea - "Ulysses R. Forwunyne, resident of the Great State of Catatonia"). Perhaps it's not a good idea for you kids at home to try that little Google exercise; govern yourselves accordingly. Of course, a more cynical person might suggest that the good Doctor simply needs a little more time to forge up some proper documents, and is getting anxious about his impatient prospective business partner. In any event, a whiff of desperation creeps into the air:

Dear Ulysses Forwunyne,

Thanks for your responce,can you pls restate yourrequest again because my computer broke down and all
the informations was deleted.

Waiting for your urgent responce aswell as your telephone number,you can quickly call me on 00228-918-07-12. for urgent attention.


***Sigh***. Alright, Doctor Innocent, if you choose to be slapped, so it shall be. You will soon learn not to make U.R. repeat himself - the list of tasks to be completed will have a tendency to increase in number. Note that U.R. mentions in passing that he must travel to wire someone else some money. Any bets on whether that will drive our friend to distraction?

Dr. Obieze:

You are beginning to try my patience, sir! Why are you delaying our progress on this transaction?

In the interests of moving ahead, I will ask you for the third time for the following:

(1) Please advise whether you know anyone who is able to assist with fleshpod distribution as an agent of my company in West Africa;

(2) I inquired whether there were any ceremonial presentations that accompanied graduation as an engineer in your country;

(3) I asked you to send documents that would authenticate your appointment as Chairman of the Contract Awarding Committee, and a copy of your Ph.D.; and

(4) I have been thinking about our business relationship especially since you did not respond to my last message in your usual prompt manner, and I am becoming concerned that I ought to know who I am dealing with. I think you should send me a photograph of yourself so that in future I may be sure that I am really dealing with you and not some joker who is attempting to deceive me.

I am sorry if I seem a little put out, but things have not gone well for me this week here at the Ralph Methuselah Home for the Spectacularly Aged; I have been constantly chasing other people away from the phone, telling them that I am expecting a VERY important call. They are, quite frankly, a little pissed off at me right now and some have been making snide remarks at my expense. I have not been invited to a single pinochle game all week.

Please call me at once on (360) 488-0928, (dial country code United States); my friend Mr. Hans Aufmydoe has lent me his mobile phone for a few days as I must travel to Rankin Inlet to wire some money to a business associate by Western Union and I expect to be away from home for a couple of days.

Because this is my friend's telephone, I would suggest you use a code phrase so that I can be sure that it is you who is calling. When you call, be sure to say the following: "It is Dr. Innocent. In the spring, we will make meat helmets".


U.R. Forwunyne

- U.R. Forwunyne knows that for every Dr. Evil, there's a Dr. Innocent.

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