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Of Meat Helmets.

  • Jan. 30, 2005
  • 4:04 p.m.

A job and a lotto win

  • Jan. 27, 2005
  • 12:50 a.m.

Really, send me some freakin' documents...

  • Jan. 24, 2005
  • 9:34 p.m.

Enter Dr. Innocent

  • Jan. 23, 2005
  • 9:26 p.m.

Time Passages, pt. II

  • Jan. 19, 2005
  • 11:48 p.m.

Jan. 27, 2005 - 12:50 a.m.

Me and Mrs. Jones, Part the Twenty-Second...

...wherein your Kindly Contributor can't resist sharing a couple of details concerning other ongoing scambaits.

Unfortunately, U.R. has still heard nothing from Mrs. Kazeem/Jones. In addition, the relative emptiness of U.R.'s inbox tends to indicate that Dr. Innocent is busy whipping up some official-looking papers on a word toaster in a smoky Internet café somewhere in Togo. Either that or he's madly Googling "narwhal apricots" and trying to figure out what the heck the results mean. Hey, there's a project for you kids out there! Google "narwhal apricots" and see what you get! Try different combinations! Write a haiku about it! Never let it be said that this online thingy hasn't helped fill the empty spaces in your lives, people.

Despite all this oppressive silence, U.R.'s day has been a momentous one. In fact, some would argue U.R. had a pretty freakin' GOOD day. For starters, he may have gotten a job! I am sure U.R. would want me to encourage you all to support the "Addax Petroleum Company" of Lagos, Nigeria in whatever way you can, in view of their recent display of corporate sensitivity and courage. Addax, you see, has offered U.R. a position as a "Computer Analyst". Only a truly progressive company would hire an 84-year old retired and blind NHL goal judge with no qualifications sight unseen (pardon the pun). This corporate courage is made all the more remarkable when one considers the following:

  • in his letter of application for the position, U.R. essentially called the fellow doing the hiring an asshole;
  • in that same letter, U.R. noted that he had no experience whatsoever in the field of computers; and
  • in response to Addax' request for a "c.v.", U.R. submitted a .dll (device driver) file that was renamed with a .pdf extension, and which would be completely illegible and nonsensical to anyone who attempted to read it.

Clearly, Addax has a unique vision that finds expression in its singularly astonishing hiring practices. To give credit where credit is due, this is probably largely due to the tireless efforts of one Mr. Bernard Lloyd, the "Project Co-ordinator". Mr. Lloyd is extremely busy these days handling literally hundreds of such job applications that are flooding into his inbox from around the world by folks who, like U.R., make a lot of significant career and financial decisions based upon the valuable information to be found at www.419eater.com. It was there that U.R. learned of this lucrative employment opportunity, and it's worked out well for him so far. The job, according to Mr. Lloyd, pays $360,000 U.S. a year, with benefits (payment of medical expenses for "injuries suffered on the job") and two weeks' vacation. The only hitch is that there's an up-front fee of $950 USD for certain "necessary" documents and authorizations; Mr. Lloyd would indicates that he will assist with the process. What a kind chap! Do your realize he's handling ALL of the 419eater applications personally? Addax really ought to consider hiring someone as his Assistant to take a little of the pressure off this guy, or he's going to crack. Mark my words. This is even more likely the case because not all of the hiring process is going so smoothly. Consider U.R.'s last email to Mr. Lloyd, in response to the "Offer of Appointment/Employment":

Dear Mr. Lloyd:

I cannot tell you how delighted I am to have received your correspondence of today's date.I must confess, however, that I am somewhat confused by a few elements of your email.

I am given to understand that Addax has offered me a position as a Computer Analyst, and I believe that the expected start date is described as February 17th, 2005. Not to put too fine a point on it, Mr. Lloyd, but that doesn't give me much time to arrange my affairs in preparation for a move to West Africa from my present residence. I hope that, on this point at least, Addax is prepared to be somewhat flexible.

More importantly, however, I am concerned that nowhere yet has it been explained to me exactly what the position I am being offered entails. I should like to have a copy of the official job description, detailing what duties are expected of me in the period of my employment should I choose to accept the position, to whom I shall be reporting, and some information on the geographic location of the facility in which I shall be working, so as to permit me to begin preparing to move my belongings abroad. I am sure you will agree that this is a reasonable request.

In addition, I am somewhat concerned regarding your mention of "injuries suffered on the job". This tends to suggest that previous Computer Analysts in the employ of Addax have suffered some rather serious and unusual misfortunes, and I would like to know the nature of any injuries I ought to be prepared to sustain while working overseas. In other words, I am keen to know whether there has simply been a rash of unfortunate and highly unlikely accidents with the office equipment at Addax, or am I being expected to work in the middle of some sort of armed civil uprising. I would be most pleased if you would clarify this issue for me in advance of my making a decision as to whether to accept the position you have offered.

Lastly, although the compensation package that Addax offers is attractive indeed, I feel I must tell you that I simply must have more than two weeks' vacation a year.

I would be obliged if you would respond at your earliest convenience.

Regards,

U.R. Forwunyne

Now, you might think that getting offered a $360k USD job for which you have absolutely no qualifications is a pretty fair start towards having a good day. Well, for U.R., it got better. He won the lottery! Again! And he hadn't even entered this particular lottery! Now THAT, gentle reader, is a good day. U.R. was contacted not long ago by a woman by the name of Jane Littlewood, who indicated that U.R. was in the running for a $300,000 USD 2nd prize in the improbably named "Mega Jackpot Lotto Winnings Programs". She directed him to contact a representative of the financial institution involved, which directions U.R. faithfully followed. After a brief flurry of preliminary correspondence that was unnecessarily prolonged as a result of some misunderstanding on U.R.'s part, it was today confirmed that a Certificate has been issued in U.R.'s name designating him as the lucky winner of the money in question. The money will be payable in ten installments of $30,000 each. The fellow handling this sensitive matter on behalf of the bank is, confusingly (considering U.R's present employment-related negotiations detailed above), named Bernard Lloyds. A few days ago, U.R. wrote to Mr. Lloyds and requested a certified copy of the Rules pursuant to which the Mega Jackpot Lotto Winnings Programs had been conducted, for tax purposes. Specifically, U.R. indicated that he had been advised that there would have to be a hearing concerning the Foreign Asset Review Tax payable as a result of his good fortune, and that a certified copy of the Rules would have to be presented to the committee for a ruling. Mr. Lloyds responded with some blather indicating that U.R. must choose between two ways of collecting his prize - either fly to Amsterdam and collect it in person or agree to pay the special courier charges necessary to ensure delivery of the Certificate. Mr. Lloyds neglected to even mention U.R.'s request for the Rules, which appears not to have impressed U.R. very much:

Mr.Lloyds:

I confirm receipt of your email of today's date regarding the various options open to me to collect my certificate and winnings.

I am as anxious as you are to get my hot little hands on the money, Mr. Lloyds, but I am not in a position to make my election as to how the funds will be delivered until I have my Foreign Asset Revenue Taxation, or "FART" hearing that I told you about in my last message.

I thought I had made it clear in that message that I am very concerned about this upcoming FART that I must have. A more cynical person might suggest that you had neglected entirely to review the content, but I shall instead attribute your apparent lack of comprehension to cross-cultural differences.

In the result, I will review the circumstances once again. I note that you mentioned issues pertaining to double taxation in your message, and these are the very type of issues that I am attempting to address with you prior to collecting my prize. I believe I indicated previously that in order to bring these funds into Canada without paying unnecessary tax, local laws require that I must have an evaluation of my FART. My accountant Mr. I.P. Freeleigh explains it as follows (he's a clever little squirt, you know): if I have a bad FART, the result will be that I will be required to pay tax of almost 50% of my gross winnings on the date that the first monies are received. This would mean that I would become liable to pay almost $150,000 tax on the date that I received the first installment of $30,000. The money isn't a problem, I could arrange to pay it if I had to, but I am sure you will agree that there is no sense whatsoever paying the government $150,000 now to get $30,000 in hand. Why, I would rather just give the money to YOU! It makes better business sense to have a smooth and favourable FART instead - a good FART will reduce both the total amount of tax payable locally, as well as deferring the time frame in which the tax must be paid. I am sure you will agree, therefore, that it is absolutely critical that I have a good FART before collecting any portion of my winnings.

As I indicated, in order to ensure that my FART goes smoothly and without any unfortunate consequences, I shall have to ensure that I have certain papers at hand; specifically, I require a certified copy of the lottery rules to present to the tribunal who will be evaluating my FART. As I mentioned, my understanding from my accountant Mr. Freeleigh is that I need to have this FART within six weeks of the notification date (in this case, Ms. Littlewood's email of January 20th, 2005). That does not leave me much time to get the process underway.

I note that Mr. Freeleigh does not expect that I will require a lengthy FART by any means; he is instead hoping that (with a copy of the rules in hand) my FART will be short and sweet. He also doesn't expect much problem arranging the hearing - he says that if I have the proper documents, I can just walk into the government office and have a FART practically whenever I want.

I would be obliged, therefore, if you would indicate when I can expect to receive a certified copy of the "Mega Jackpot Lotto Winnings Programs" rules. Mr. Freeleigh advises that the hearing will go more smoothly if you include with the certified copy of the rules a cover letter or memo describing the nature of my prize, and (THIS IS IMPORTANT) that sets out EXPLICITLY in its "subject" line the following text: "Mega Jackpot Lotto Winnings Programs Rules - For Application to Mr. U.R. Forwunyne's FART".

I thank you for your prompt attention to this matter. Please feel free to contact me at 206-202-0031 to discuss if you wish - you should dial the same country code as you would for the United States to initiate the international connection. I look forward to your earliest possible reply.


Kind regards,

U.R. Forwunyne

- U.R. Forwunyne wrote a haiku:

Googling apricots
and narwhal in a café
Doctor Innocent.


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