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Jan. 24, 2005 - 9:34 p.m.
Me and Mrs. Jones, Part the Twenty-First...
...wherein the shtick continues with Dr. Innocent Obieze. U.R. gets a little cheeky himself, and a mild slap or two is administered. Your faithful correspondent attempts to bring you folks up to date with what's been going on with the good Doctor so far. U.R. wrote back to Dr. Obieze from one of the two accounts that were active with him. Sadly, I sent the message before saving a draft, and this particular site (you know who you are, Conrad Black!) suffers from an a$$ sucking defect whereby a copy of "sent" mail is not preserved. So, what follows is a Coles Notes version of U.R.'s next message:
Dear Dr. Obieze:
Thank you for your prompt response to my inquiry concerning maidens...
I think I went on to advise him that my company is called Vervulex 2000, purveyors of fine pork products and fleshpods since 1999. I mused aloud about whether Vervulex 2000 would ordinarily be the sort of company that would be dealing with Ecowas as an invoiced contractor. I inquired as to what sums might be involved. I inquired, I believe, as to his credentials and whether he might have any documentation to substantiate his position, and what his previous experience with international business consisted of. I warned him that I never do business with strangers unless they prove themselves trustworthy, but told him this was not the result of a doubting mind. Damn, I wish I hadn’t forgotten to save a draft of this, it was reasonably amusing. I hope the little turd just hits the “reply” button so I get this one back.)
No such luck. The response from the good Doctor, however, is mildly amusing nonetheless.
Dear; Yes, he left this BLANK!! Again!
I received your mail,all the content was digested and
U.R. responded as follows (n.b. at this point, only ONE of the two U.R.'s is responding to Dr. Innocent. I am still planning what to do with U.R. #2, writing from a second and discrete email account. Let's start referring to this as U.R. #1, shall we? Hopefully, that will help avoid (NOT!) some confusion later on:
Dear Dr. Innocent:
Thank you for your usual prompt response. I must admit I was rather shocked to learn that you had already digested the contents of my message. Just so you know, I think I should tell you that I have not been treating your communications as edibles. Do you think that it is necessary for me to dispose of them in that way? I suppose it is important to keep a transaction such as this one somewhat confidential, but I wonder whether you may be overdoing it just a tad.
I noted that the list of items for which ECOWAS had previously contracted nowhere made mention of fleshpods or pork products, which as I say, are the items that my company Vervulex 2000 manufactures. I am somewhat concerned as I wouldn't want our arrangement to raise any eyebrows, in view of the limited amount of business we have previously done in West Africa. In fact, I must admit that revenues were significantly down in that division over the last three fiscal quarters, which forced me to terminate the services of our Vice President of African fleshpod distribution. I wonder whether you would know anyone with connections in the West African fleshpod trade that might be looking for employment? If so, I would be obliged if you would pass along that person's name.
Nevertheless, I suppose we can sort out the exact details of Vervulex 2000's involvement later. I am pleased to learn that you are an engineer. My good friend and pinochle partner, Mr. Hans Aufmydoe, is an engineer as well. He tells me that there is a tradition in my country wherein every engineering graduate receives an iron ring. Do they do anything similar for engineers in Togo?
Thank you for advising me that it may be necessary for me to travel to complete this transaction. I shall have to attend to getting my passport updated to enable me to travel. I would be honoured to make your acquaintance on that occasion, and would very much look forward to meeting your brother, the former Attorney General, should he be available.
You need not worry yourself, Dr. Innocent, about any atoms of greed surfacing on my end with respect to this transaction; I can assure you that my aims principally, if not exclusively, consist of ensuring that you get what you so truly deserve out of our dealings together. Please forgive me for being so cautious, but I wonder whether you are in possession of any papers to confirm your position? I am thinking of some documents that would authenticate your appointment as Chairman of the Contract Awarding Committee, and perhaps a copy of your Ph.D. If you could gather those papers together and send me a copy, it would greatly facilitate my task in obtaining the funds necessary to finance my travel on this business. I can send you a mailing address if you would like.
In the meantime, I look forward to hearing from you by telephone later this week. Be sure to leave a message if for some reason I can't get to the phone; there is much to do around here this week. We are having the annual Festival of the Narwhal in my community, so naturally everyone is busy gathering apricots and rehearsing their traditional haikus.
- U.R. Forwunyne wants to meet the former Attorney General of Togo
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